Tidbits September 11, 2008

I’ve been blaringly absent from the blogging world the past 9 or so months. A lot has happened that frankly I’m not interested in putting on public display, so I’ve just not written anything. But I miss blogging – for me, it’s a type of journaling, and a way to chronicle important- and not so important things- that happen in my life. So I’m back. Here’s what’s going on as of late – in bullet points – because I’m just not clever enough at the moment to tie them all together with some profound theme as a skilled blogger would do

• Jaidin started kindrgarten in late August. According to her, school is “awesome”. Uh huh. I’ll ask her round about November, after she’s gotten up early every morning for 3 months and had homework 2 nights a week every week. I suspect her answer may be slightly diferent. Or maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised….
• I’m officially a Spa Diva. In June I joined a company called BeautiControl as a consultant. I’d been to a few of their spas, and was looking for a part time job that would allow me to work a flexible  schedule, and BeautiControl kind of fell in my lap. So glad it did! I’m loving every aspect of it – and I’m making $$$. I’m not into shameless self promotion, so I’ll shut up now, but if you’re interested in having a mobile spa in the comfort of your own home, I’m your girl. Give me a call
• Spent last weekend in the hospital, or “Big House” as I affectionately call it. Damn peristomal hernia! Always causing blockages. I see my surgeon on Monday to see when we may be able to fit surgery # 15 into my busy schedule. I’m so frustrated with my body right now. And on top of it all, I caught a friggin’ cold while in the hospital (damn nosocomial infections!), so the percocet I’m taking for abdominal pain is doubling as analgesic for my sore throat. Whoa is me…
• I’m really sick of all the mudslinging going on with the presidential campaign. We’ve become a nation of partisanship, division and powerlessness of the present. In remembering 9/11/2001 today, I long for the day when we are no longer conservative America or liberal America, but are The United States of America.
• Found this wonderfully awesome ostomy blogger today. Go check out her website and read her blog. She’s candid, fun, and she offers some great ostomy lifestyle tips.
• Started reading The Shack about a week ago. This book blows so many ridiculous theological views of God out of the water – I’m loving it.  As the back cover says “In a world where religion seems to grow increasingly irrelevant The Shack wrestles with the timeless question, ‘Where is God in a world so filled with unspeakable pain?’ “. Anyone else read The Shack? What did you think?
• I follow the blogs of  friends of a friend who are in the process of adopting two kids from Haiti.  The entire country of Haiti has been devastated by the recent tropical storms and hurricanes there, and the rescue center where these kids are staying is in dire need of help. Please go read Jamie and Aaron’s blog and search your heart as to whether you can help Real Hope for Haiti in any way.

 

That’s it for now. What’s new in your world? Send me some tidbits…I’d love to hear about what’s going on.

Writing Love on My Arm… February 13, 2008

Today I wore my heart on my sleeve. Well, my arm really. At 8am this morning I wrote LOVE on my arm in red lipstick and left my forearm exposed for all to see.

Why, you ask? For Dave.

I met Dave in 2006 at a conference I planned. Like the rest of us in attendance, Dave had medical challenges that he dealt with everyday. This was the first time Dave had the opportunity to interact with others living with similar conditions, and when I met him for the first time in the hotel elevator, he was full of life, thanking me for putting the conference together. Because I was busy with event management “stuff”, I didn’t get the chance to know Dave as well as many of the other attendees, but everytime I saw him through out the week he had a 100 watt smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

I would have never guessed that inside, Dave was broken and hurting and had even previously tried to take his own life. Dave and I talked by email a few times after the conference and I tried to keep tabs on him through other friends that had gotten to know him well and had kept in touch following the conference. Then this past June, I awoke to an email the hit me like a freight train. Dave had finally succeeded in ending his own pain.

So today, through the prompting of an event called Love is the Movement, and inspired by an organization called To Write Love on Her Arm, I wrote LOVE on my arm in honor and support of Dave and all of my other friends from throughout the years that have struggled with depression, self-injury, addiction and suicidal thoughts.

Dave, I miss you even now. You left a mark on my heart and a smile in my memory and inspired me to write love on my arm.

For more on Love is the Movement : www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=7693997482

For more about To Write Love on Her Arm: www.twloha.com/the_story.php

Christmas Re-Post December 22, 2007

I was reading through past blog entries this morning and came across this post I made last year at this time. I had just had major surgery and was experiencing some pretty major crises and chaos in my life. Truthfully, I feel much the same this year as I did last, and although this year has initiated major growth in me, I know there’s a ways to go.

But this post sums up how I’m feeling now, and I’m reposting it as a reminder to myself that every story has multiple sides, woven together like a tapestry and without the bad, we would never learn to appreciate the good…

From Dec. 2006: I came across this article that so eloquently conveys thoughts I’ve been pondering in my head all week. I’ve had a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. The world seems to be spinning out of control around me. So much is uncertain…things aren’t bad per se, just unsettled. I want to feel the “warm fuzzies” and genuinely want to exhibit “goodwill toward all men” in my thoughts and actions. But it’s not been easy. I haven’t been able to “psych myself up”. So I’m thankful that this article and some revelation from the Holy Spirit have reminded me that while the story of Jesus’ birth is about peace, joy, grace and salvation, it is as much about turmoil, tribulation and brokenness.

As the article says, “God didn’t prepare a pristine time where his Son could be protected and coddled!”. What makes me think I deserve a life free of difficult and sometimes scary circumstances and situations?

A Free-For-All Christmas by Phil Ware

Have you noticed that the Christmas season is more like “let’s get ready to rumble” than it is “O holy night”?
The midnight releases of video consoles, video games, movies, books and specialty gifts have caused rowdy stampedes. We’ve seen grown adults trample each other and get into fistfights over places in line and who got to a toy first. Yikes!Then from many who come from the normally dysfunctional family, there is all the family baggage that gets unwrapped with the Christmas presents. Innocent statements are misinterpreted resulting in hurt feelings. Stiletto sharp innuendos are used to carve up folks who are supposed to love one another. And then fights break out because someone corrects or disciplines someone else’s child. Double yikes!

Even the pilgrimages back to Bethlehem to celebrate the birth of Christ are complicated by the ongoing war between Jews, Muslims, and Christians in the very place where Jesus was born. These tensions threaten all of world peace in the land where the Prince of Peace lived, died, and rose again. Triple yikes!

While there is much about the Bible’s account of Jesus’ birth that is precious and touching, I believe it is also important to remind us that the Jesus story is not all sweetness and light. One of the most horrific stories in the New Testament is centered around the birth of Jesus. This story is sometimes called “The Slaughter of the Innocents.”
Jesus’ apostle Levi the tax collector records it this way:

Herod was furious when he learned that the wise men had outwitted him. He sent soldiers to kill all the boys in and around Bethlehem who were two years old and under, because the wise men had told him the star first appeared to them about two years earlier. Herod’s brutal action fulfilled the prophecy of Jeremiah:

A cry of anguish is heard in Ramah — weeping and mourning
unrestrained. Rachel weeps for her children, refusing to be
comforted—for they are dead. (Matthew 2:16-18 NLT)

What are we to make of this?

The Lord himself said, “And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars; see that you are not alarmed … (Matthew 24:6 NRS). We live in a free for all planet where sin has marred every level of relationships. The whole story of Jesus’ coming is tied to the real world in which we live. God didn’t prepare a pristine time where his Son could be protected and coddled!

Jesus was born into a vicious world of hate, war, struggle, and jealously. These fruits of hell would be ever-present for each step he took on the little blue planet he created. God had to use an angelic vision to warn Joseph and Mary to take the baby Jesus away to prevent his slaughter. Even from the first moments of Jesus’ arrival, even while listening to the angelic choir singing “gloria in excelcis deo”, we hear the rumblings of Herod’s jealous and paranoid bile.

So when things seem bleak or difficult or fractured in the coming days of Christmas, please remember, these are as much a reminder of why Jesus came as are the sweet sounds of angels, the excited presence of Shepherds, and the mysterious journey of the magi. Jesus came to save a broken world. He didn’t do it from afar, but from up close … in person … beginning in a manger … going to a cross … before conquering death and leaving behind an empty tomb.

Golden June 26, 2007

She’s alone tonight,
With a bitter cup and,
She’s undone tonight,
She’s all used up, She’s been staring down the demons,
Who’ve been screaming she’s just another so and so,
Another so and so

You are golden,
You are golden, Child

You are golden,
Don’t let go,
Don’t let go tonight

There’s a fear that burns,
Like trash inside
And you’re ashamed of the curse,
That burns your eyes

You’ve been hiding in your bedroom,
Hoping this isn’t how the story has to go
It’s not the way it goes, It’s your book now,

You’re Golden,
You are golden, Child

You are golden,
Don’t let go,
Don’t let go tonight

You’re a lonely soul,
Inlet of broken hearts
You’re far from home,
It’s a perfect place to start

So this final verse,
Is a contradiction
And the more we learn,
The less we know

We’ve been talkin’ about a feeling,
We both know inside but couldn’t find the words
I couldn’t write this verse,
I’ve seldom been so sure,
’bout anything before

Golden,
You are Golden, Child

You are Golden,
Don’t let go,
Don’t let go tonight

This world is a dead man down (Golden, you are,)
Every breath is a fading crown we wear, (Golden, Child, you are,)
Like some debilitated king, (Golden, don’t let go,)
Don’t let go tonight

Earth Spins and the moon goes round’ (Golden, you are,)
Green comes on the frozen ground, (Golden, Child, you are,)
And everything will be made new again, (Golden,)
Like freedom and spring, (Golden, Golden,)
Hey, like freedom and spring, (Golden, you are, hey,)
Like freedom and spring (Golden, Child, you are,)

~ Switchfoot

No words to describe June 26, 2007

I awoke this morning to find this bulletin on MySpace and several emails from my YODAA and UOAA friends.

For all of you who knew Dave Wood and didnt know already, he took his life this last Saturday. One of his friends created a group in his memory . http://groups.myspace.com/davewoodremembered There is also a group on Facebook.According to his father, the funeral will be planned for the end of this week and held at Byles-MacDougal 99 Huntington St. New London, CT 06320. 888-736-7036

His dad is keeping Dave’s phone for the next month for his friends to call. He said that talking to Dave’s friends helps him feel closer to Dave.

Dave was a wonderful man who touched many lives and will never be forgotten.

I don’t have the words to express how I’m feeling right now. .. Please pray for Dave’s family and friends…he will be missed…

Can’t see through the haze around me… June 22, 2007

Just Feel Better
~Santana She said I feel stranded
And I can’t tell anymore
If I’m coming or I’m going
It’s not how I planned it
I’ve got a key to the door
But it just won’t open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don’t, I don’t, I don’t
Because it never worked before
But this time, this time
I’m gonna try anything to just feel better

Tell me what to do
You know I can’t see through the haze around me
And I’d do anything to just feel better
I can’t find my way
God, I need a change
And I’ll do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I’m a little far from the shore
And I’m afraid of sinking
You’re the only one who knows me
And who doesn’t ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have a season
Round and round it goes
And every day’s the one before
But this time, this time
I’m gonna try anything to just feels better

Tell me what to do
You know I can’t see through the haze around me
And I’d do anything to just feel better
I can’t find my way
God I need a change
And I’d do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feels better

I’m tired of holding on
To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It’s really getting old, and
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah

I’m gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can’t see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can’t find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feels better

Lump of Coal June 5, 2007

LUMP OF COAL
————Lord, I always wonder why
When bad things happen to me,
How could You allow me turmoil
And roughen waves upon my sea?

If you love me, why allow such pain
And unnecessary strife?
I thought that You wanted me to know
Peace within my life.

I know that You really love me,
I know that You really care.
I know that You work in mysterious ways,
I know that You are always there.

“Child, you are pressed upon every side,
But you’re never really broken.
I will keep My every word
On the promises that I’ve spoken.”

“In time, I’ll make it clear to you,
For now, your character I build anew.
I allow such problems to persist
So that you’ll help others too.”

“You are a special lump of coal,
There’s a reason for the storms.
When coal is put under pressure,
Eventually, a diamond forms.”

~B.G. Wetherby

Thanks, Jamie. I’m waiting on my diamond too…

My Symphony June 4, 2007

I love how God know’s exactly when you need some encouragement!

A good friend just sent these words to me…and I immediately received them in my spirit. Just what I needed for this moment!

“To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony.”William Ellery Channing

I love it!

Seeking Tranquility May 12, 2007

This past Wednesday was a rough day. Emotional overload. Stress over work, whiggin’ out over a UOAA Conference planning meeting, experiencing trepidation regarding an upcoming event, uncertainty pertaining to personal matters, guilt about not being able to help some friends who are in need.
Thursday was a repeat of Wednesday, plus an unexpected, ackward phone call threw me for a loop (ever feel like you’re living in the movie Groundhog Day? )
So Thursday night, Jon and Jaidin headed off to church, and moi took a drive to the beach.
So glad I did… There’s something so grounding and peaceful about looking out at a vast body of water, hearing and seeing the waves lap at the shore. Watching the fog roll in off the lake, I literally felt all the “yuck” of the past two days being blown off of me as the wind danced through my hair. The surroundings were quiet…just the sound of the water and the gulls.
I sat there for about an hour, just processing feelings and embracing my emotions. I prayed for a little while and just opened myself up to hear from the Spirit. The sun was setting. I have a special relationship with sunsets…God speaks to me through their representation of an end to one day and the promise of new beginnings the next.

As I left, I felt almost tranquil. None of my circumstances had changed…but something in my soul had.

Super Woman I am not! April 19, 2007

It was 7:51 am this morning, and I was putting the finishing touches on my makeup. My Blackberry started chirping, so I looked and saw an email from Jaidin’s babysitter Amber.

This is what it said:

This is really funny…if you have a family picture, can you let us have one? I have a wall down here where all the kids have their family pictures and I was bugging you for awhile…I know it’s hard with Jaidin going to 2 different schools and all the things you have to remember…anyways…Jaidin wanted her picture up there, so one day I took a picture of just her and she asked me if she could stand by the turtles so they could be her family. LOL. I was laughing so hard. Next time you’re downstairs, you’ll have to see on our Family Wall, I have a picture of Jaidin (really cute) standing on the stool proudly next to the turtles. LOL. If you think of it, send us a “real” family picture! (although the other kids are very jealous that Jaidin gets a picture with the turtles) Very funny girl.

Amber

She HAD been asking me to bring in a picture of our family ( um…for like the last 3 months ),but I just kept forgetting. How bad did I feel? My poor daughter having to pose with the turtles because her mommy can’t remember to take in a family picture. A few months ago, I would have really beat myself up for being a “bad mom”. In fact, I cried all the way to work one day about 6 months ago because I forgot it was Show and Tell day ( for like the 3rd week in a row) and Jaidin didn’t pack anything to show to her class. Talk about working mom condemnation!

But I’ve gotten over that. I’ve gotten over myself. I’m not Super Mom, and I’m not Super Woman. And if the worst disappointment my daughter experiences at age 4 is that I forget to take a family picture to the babysitter’s, then in actuality, I guess I’m doing pretty good. But I doubt she was even disappointed…I bet she thought her “turtle family” was pretty cool…and I think she’s pretty ingenious for thinking that one up!

So today, I was able to laugh this one off…with thoughts of a little girl with a crazy imagination, and a mom who is finally learning to give herself a break.

Not to mention…red spandex is a real fashion faux pas….

I’m just crazy enough to think… April 12, 2007

Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

Jack Kerouac – “On the Road”

Gracious, Healing Rain March 23, 2007

This will probably be all over the place…much in keeping with my emotions, thoughts, and life in general lately…all over the place.

The past few months have been a whirlwind- of activity, of opportunity, of dreams, of failures, of heartbreak, of revelation. The pensive realist in me looks at all of it, wanting to analyze and discuss, to “figure it out”, and make it “OK”. The spiritual visionary in me longs to see the hope in all situations, to hold on to the dreams that have been birthed, to view this as just a season, and to believe that all things broken can be restored. My mind is an ocean of thoughts, many of them opposing, creating a turbulent sea that lashes at the shoreline of my heart. It’s overwhelming. I am overtaken by emotion, often to the point of tears without a moments notice. My attitude is fickle – erratic and unstable. All of this is so unlike me. It’s like living with a stranger. Yet on the other hand I feel as if for the first time in my life, I know who I am…what I want out of life… and I am certain I am on the path to my destiny. How can one be such a walking contradiction?

Tonight began with the promise of nothing special. We headed to church (myself quite unwillingly I’ll add), and I wasn’t expecting to receive much. The air had a certain heaviness in it – that springtime heaviness, where the atmosphere is saturated with moisture and a rainshower is imminent.

About half way through the worship service, I was looking out the window during that beautiful twilight time of evening…where it’s not quite dark, yet not really light. It was a time of grayness, and I realized for the first time what is bothering me most about my current circumstances. They’re gray. No black, no white – no definites, no immediate answers, no quick fixes. I am a passionate person, someone who lives by extremes – all or nothing. Gray areas make me uncomfortable.

As I was watching the twilight, the sky opened up, and a strong and steady rain began to fall. I began to imagine myself standing in this deluge, and I could almost feel the heavy drops soaking me to the innermost parts of my soul. While those around me worshipped to the music the band played, God spoke a familiar song into my heart.

Healing rain is coming down
It’s coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It’s bringing mercy, it won’t be long

Healing rain is coming down
It’s coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus’ name

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I’m not afraid
To be washed in Heaven’s rain

Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain

And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand
So lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am

Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I’m not afraid
To be washed in Heaven’s rain

To be washed in Heaven’s rain…

Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I’m not afraid
I’m not afraid…

I was then reminded by the Spirit of this song

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now I’m found
Was blind but now I see so clearly

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

‘Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me
Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away, washed away

When we’ve been there ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun
We’ve no less days to sing Your praise
Than when we first begun

Grace is defined as: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification.

I stood still and received His unmerited divine assistance as it rained down upon me. It was like a steady stream, flowing over me, calming me, quieting me.

And when I got home this evening, God brought me this scripture and more revelation through a friend’s blog:

Psalm 23 – a psalm of David

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

I have read, quoted and prayed this scripture many, many times over the years, but tonight a new revelation was deposited in my spirit.

My emotions are raw. I am sad…mourning even. I am confused by God’s plans, and angry at the circumstances I created. I am hurting, and I have hurt people. Yet I have a peculiar peace. I was led beside quiet waters tonight. There is glory for Him when we have a stillness in our turmoil and pain.

Am I ok? No. Do I know what the future holds? No. Do I have any answers? No.

But I don’t have to. He is leading me down a path toward something good. It may feel like the valley of the shadow of death, but wherever I go, He is with me. And wherever He leads, goodness and love are sure to follow. Only He can restore my soul. So for now, I’ll bask in His grace at twilight and remain still.

Until…

Beautiful December 1, 2006

I can’t get this Aaron Shust song out of my head…I’ve been singing it all day.

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my savior

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
For him to be my savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my savior

My savior loves, my savior lives
My savior’s always there for me
My God he was, my God he is
My God he’s always gonna be

Yes, living, dying; let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my savior

My savior loves, my savior lives
My savior’s always there for me
My God he was, My God he is
My God he’s always gonna be

SCARED November 15, 2006

In less than 12 short hours, I’ll be asleep on the operating table for my 14th, and hopefully LAST, surgery.

And I’m scared.

It’s a weird feeling for me. Usually I’m rather calm before these things. I’ve been under the knife enough to know what to expect. I’m practically a professional patient, and I’ve spent enough time in the hospital to be comfortable there. I know what’s expected of me before I can be discharged, and I do it. But it’s not any of these things that has me scared.
I’m scared because….get this…they may have to resight my stoma!
(go ahead and gasp in horror now…)

I realize, in the grand scheme of things, this is probably a small worry, considering all the other things that could go wrong in a surgery. But for an ostomate…well.. See, I’ve had difficult stomas in the past. And they make life a living hell. The stoma I have now is a peach! Perfect size, easy to pouch ( I NEVER have problems with pouching or leaks), in a great location on my abdomen ( low on the right side of my belly…easy to conceal), yada yada. I am terrified I am going to wake up with a retracted stoma, high on the left side of my stomach!
I feel selfish for even worrying about it. Many of my ostomy friends deal with difficult stomas and many other problems that make my given situation seem hardly something to freak about. But I’m REALLY stressed about this. I’ve been nasty all day..to Jon..to everyone. And seeing the plastic surgeon and hearing his long term outlook on the success of the hernia repair didn’t help. He was less than optimistic. So, basically, I could go through this whole ordeal and not even achieve a positive outcome…which is the whole point to doing this.
I’m trying to keep my peace, and trust in the Lord. I know that He is ultimately in control and that no matter the outcome, He works ALL things to the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I know He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, peace and a sound mind. And I know that if there is an obstacle to overcome in the future, He’ll provide the strength to conquer it.

Still…sometimes I wish I could shut my mind off!

In hopes of capturing my thoughts… August 17, 2006

I’ve created this blog as a place for me to come and be forthright and honest about what’s really on my mind.

A therapy of sorts…